A toothbrush, napkin wrapper and an evening of shopping

Could have titled this post "three conversations" but that would be bland..

On recent Asia trips, I have started a new habit. Take the toiletries I use in the hotel room and put them in by backpack every day.. then bring them home, use them a few more times before throwing them. My little contribution to the "green earth" campaign? Actually not! 

A colleage told me that he saw a youtube video where the folks who come clean the rooms in star hotels in Asia, were caught on hidden camera, using the guest's toothbrushes in the toilet just out of spite. "Why take chances?" was my logic.

Came back from the trip and was about to throw the comb and brush (which had squished itself in my backpack and was not usable anymore) into the bathroom bin, and saw teh green glow of the sanitary napkin wrapper under the bin lid. Given my jet lag and my inclination to randomly burst out at my wife and kids for 24 hours after the trip, either when woken up or when asked to do pick up drop offs where I see myself unfit for driving, this wrapper put me on high alert. So the next day I was doing everything, as my usual being extra nice to my wife routine. Did not talk back, accepted last minute schedule changes, etc. I was tired and pissed off in general, but was okay with it.

Then we have a conversation where my wife asks me do take the kids somewhere, at the last minute and I said "fine!". My kids were genuinely suprised by this. After she left the house, they asked "what is going on?". She has asked you to do things quite at the last mintue since yesterday and you have been accepting this. This is the third time just today... Did you do something wrong? 

Me: Look, your mom has also been tired as I have been gone for a week. She is going through a busy time at work, has been doing all the driving by herself and also she is "aathula illai"!

"aathula illai" literally translates to "she is not in the house" and figuratively means "she is on her periods". The kids were rolling and laughing out loud. When I asked them why, they tell me that the only remaining box of pads was in our bathroom, and when they go to our bathroom to grab pads, they unwrap and put the cover and stickers in our bin.  The joke was apparently on me and I was being extra nice for no reason... I was going to ask "wait, how long has this being going on?" and was about to lecture them on the importance of using their own bin for their own trash as it is sending me wrong signals, and decided.. yeah, the joke was on me. It was okay to be nice to San even if for all the wrong reasons.

So I throttled back on the nice a little bit. I still had jet lag. An attempt to do yoga to fight jet lag ended up with me running out of the hot room to get rid of stomach acid and I really was unable to fight the afternoon nap, which ended up being more than a nap. 

I walk around after this "nap" in zombieland and overhear the wife and kids having a conversation about what to do on our 20th wedding anniversary. Instead of walking on by, made the mistake of blurting out,  "lets go somewhere local so we can have a day out and come back home by evening and celebrate dinner at home with family and friends"... the looks.. oh the looks I got in response! They were planning something else.. then the kids look at me and ask "wait ! isn't this YOUR anniversary as in both of you? so why is Amma planning something on her own. She said it is HER anniversary" . My response was "she is giving herself an award for putting up with me for 20 years! I might not even be invited to the celebration and won't be surpised if that happens!" 

This is shortly followed by me being asked to come along on a shopping trip. Went very very reluctantly because I was guilted into coming. Was answering phone calls outside a shop and was busy taking pictures of a crow inside the mall when we decided that one kid should go with each parent to shorten the shopping time.

Walked around with Jr. and found out through some Matlock / Colombo style detective work that she was going to go on a banquet with her Marching band and was planning to buy a "dress" for it. She tried some stuff and was not happy. Then I told her "it is cold out. you are doing straight to a dinner and coming back. just wear a nice shirt and a good sweater on top, which you have plenty of, no?" and she says "you are right. I will do that. it is a good idea!"  I was really surprised. Would I in this lifetime see my daughter become a value shopper like me? would she ever bargain with multiple vendors to find the base price and do a deal where they still make money and she would get a good deal? My head was racing with the possibilities!

Then we are having dinner and the little one says "I am Appa!".. I was a little confused. Is this some "We are with Paris" type thing she is starting, to make me feel better?! Turns out, she just realized that she eats just like me.. Her friends were telling her that she eats like a camel by moving her lower jaw out and she was watching me eat and realized she does the same thing. So, it wasn't some kind of solidarity movement. Just a bitter realization, but she was smiling and was giving me a "Guess there is no escaping the genes!" look. 

Later,  San shows me a few sarees online to see which ones I liked. Picked three on the a vs. b choices she gave and she said ...all those are old lady sarees. they are not "chinna ponnu" sarees... (Chinna Ponnu is little girl quite literally). On the one hand we have the bearded me trying to tell the world he is done with looks and has accepted his age while we have a chinna ponnu with two chinna ponnu's under the same roof. I did not even respond to that comment and just nodded, thinking "The generation gap between us is increasing rapidly!" 

Have realized over the last few months that it doesn't take much to make myself happy. I can be alone and reset myself. Can stare at myself in the mirror and come out with a "don't care" attitude. Feels more and more like I am forcing myself through the daily routines, as part of a responsibilty and commitment but take no joy in certain things like chauffering or even shaving anymore. San hates the chauffering equally as she does my beard. 

The life cycle was explained to us in middle school as a four stage process.. first stage, bachelor hood, 15 years of studying and being a good boy, then 15 years of married life and having kids, then 15 years of living in the forest and the last 15 of being an ascetic renouncing stuff. Now that retirement age keeps rising, even the Wikipedia entries for the four ashramas are being pushed to 24 freaking years each!!! I don't think I will live past 70 anyways, so the whole thing is messed up.

Maybe I have reached that stage in life where one is supposed to say bye to everyone and walk into the forest alongwith my wife, to live out our last years? Don't think "chinna ponnu" is likely to follow me into any forest anytime soon, or even a national park for that matter. It was my dream to rent an RV and just visit every national park in the continental US, go on long hikes and take time to photograph sunsets, with no time limit to come back to the parking lot. San used to share that dream, given we both liked long road trips before we had kids. I used to haul my camera bag and she used to carry my tripod and walk with me to watch / capture the sunset. Now I don't think all the time in the world is going to be enough for me to get to those same locations we visited before, from even the closest parking lots carrying that camera bag! 

My family tells me that my battery is low. I am not excited for anything anymore. I don't know why! Maybe I need a career change. Maybe all this travel has turned me into an emotionless lump. Maybe I am just too tired to fight the good fight on a daily basis. Maybe yoga has turned me into a very inward person who has become extremely selfish subconsciously (not my theory). Maybe I need some Glucon-D or Cinkara ?! (see, there is still a funny guy somewhere in there).

Still writing down these odd little conversations,  because this is what life is about in my eyes.. things kids say and do, how we evolve as children, as parents, how a mundane or not so mundane routine impacts us in ways that are deep, lifes little victories and defeats, perceptions right and wrong,  all over a span of few days, sometimes a few hours! 

A lot less grumpy today and the routine continues. Have to make an effort to find my interest in everyday things back to that stage where every little thing that my wife or kids did filled me with amazment and wonder. It is not their issue, it is clearly a waning of my ability to see the magic that is happening in front of my eyes. Need those special glasses back...

It will happen!

A false sense of security

Conversation with gay friends a few years ago:  "don't be fooled by the rainbow lighting in the white house. the world is not as pro gay rights as we are led to believe"

We all learned that the folks who went and registered themselves under DACA were naive. They were signing up to be on a round up list when the administration changed.

See the same thing with the MeToo movement. Women are being lulled into a false sense of security and are coming out and naming accusers. 

All those so called Twitter supporters might as well be bots who are echoing election messages for money. People who are sitting on their couches with their laptops, typing frantically on social media, offering their words of support and hashtags, cannot do anything when it comes to actually backing these women all the way to get justice. 

The country(ies) are run by the rich class that is actually part of the problem. The political class, is definitely part of the problem as power has corrupted folks into thinking they can get away with anything and usually it is a case of people scratching peoples back. 

The media will move on to the next best thing, be it toilet paper intentionally left on DJT's shoes as he boards the next plane or Melania's faux pas in Africa. 

Meanwhile the poor women will go through being shamed all over again, be forgotten with the next news cycle and the same guys who were accused will come back to their day jobs using their money, power, influence to haunt their accusers and make them disappear. 

The ones that set the example are always the creeps. Very rarely do we see justice (which again seems disproportionate) for a Cosby or a Weinstein. 

The most powerful man in the world today thinks it is okay to grab women by their body parts and he is still out there. 

So many folks were named as part of the metoo movement. The standard Modus Operandi for the perps seems to be :

1. Why did you not come forward earlier?

2. How come you cannot remember details clearly?

3. If 1 and 2 are answered, they plant a fake accuser whose credibiilty can be questioned and then use that to say "all accusers are not credible" 

4. shaming using multiple methods

Have seen this over and over and over again. 

My kid came and told me "who will believe us if something like that happened to us? no wonder no one comes forward and accuses anyone because no one will believe the woman!" and my answer was "I will definitely believe you. I am your dad". 

It is a sad day if your daughter has doubts on the world when it comes to people believing a woman's word against a man. 

Sincerely want women to band together on this. Women need to believe other women. 

Ladies, if you know a woman who believes "boys will be boys".. "locker room talk" etc. please convince that person that it is not acceptable and it is wrong. Maybe a woman can change the mind of another woman?

Nothing is worse than a mother endorsing such behavior for a son or a wife endorsing such behavior from a husband. 

I grew up in a very male chauvinistic society. Then I ended up in a country where women think they are in much better shape than any place in the world, only to see again and again that it is not much different. 

To all those brave women who are coming forward and naming accusers, the world is not ready for you. My kid is right. One man believing her is not enough. The world will come back and get you. So think twice before you come forward. All those retweets won't save you as they pale against money, power and influence in the real world.  It is not a million candles burning for you. It is one candle and a lot of mirrors. That one flickers and dies and it is total darkness. 

The most powerful country in the world saw a circus to nominate a SC judge who will decide many cases that determine the fate of women and we saw what happened.  There is no chance for ordinary people to get any justice. 

Wait a few years, till something big happens. Something real. Not Twitter rage. Some new laws and regulations when it comes to meaningful investigations and consequences for folks found guilty. A time when a woman goes in front of a panel of people where the percentage of women on the panel is same as the percentage women out there.. even then you should think twice.

A sincere request to all those who are encouraging the women who have come forward for more details on their revelations, or asking more folks to come forward.. please stay behind them to the end. Retweeing might make you feel you have done the right thing, but you are actually doing more damage to people because at the end of the day they face all the conquences while you will still be on your couch with your laptop doing the same thing. 

This post is doing the same on the other side of things, and that is not lost on me.  I am on a couch writing this, but someone needs to caution these women that they are not being backed up as they might think.

The world is not ready for Metoo

Wish it was!

The thinking cap.. or thread.. is on!

Last weekend was interesting. It was the beginning of a lot of festivities. First the ladies celebrated Varalaskshmi vritham on Friday. We had a lot of friends and family visiting us in the evening. 

Had to fly out on Saturday afternoon and was initially very disappointed because the thread changing ceremony which I look forward to every year was on Sunday/Monday based on an earlier conversation with my parents. 

Was also looking forward to chatting with my nephews... all three of them who had their Upanayanam ceremony this summer. 

When I told my mom that I will miss the ceremony and spend the day on a plane and given I lose 15 hours due to time difference, the days and times don't count. My dad said in a matter of fact voice "change the thread before you leave or after you come back. I will tell you when. Something is better than nothing!". Then went on their usual gripe about travel, priorities in life, a persons reasoning, am I doing this travel for money or for some higher purpose, money is not the priroity,  etc. etc. 

As it turned out the actual day for the ceremony was Saturday and Sunday. So I got up bright and early on Saturday and changed my Poonal (refered to as thread in this blog over the years).

Wife and MIL had plenty of Idly batter from the previous day and made me Idly and also some Pongal. Was going to fast the rest of the day on the plane and do Gayathri Japam on the plane if possible. 

My parents were happy after seeing that picture. I pretty much slept through the plane ride and after reaching the hotel, took a shower, sat down facing the setting sun in the 20th floor of a hotel room and recited the gayathri mantra a 1008 times. My nose was blocked after the flight thanks to United freezing us in mid flight but it didn't stop me. Ate a few more of the packed idlis and went to sleep. 

Had severe headaches the rest of the trip and finally made it back. Went to do yoga and as usual the new white thread catches peoples eyes before I walk into the room and a person asks "what is the meaning of that?". 

So I went on the usual "It is something that a particular sect from India wears as a mark of their commitment to learning and the pursuit of knowledge." then after a few more questions and answers later (by this time I have a practical FAQ on the thread aka poonal written inside my head and the answers come with practiced ease), there was a bonus question. "Is it passed on by birth only or can anyone wear this thread and do the ceremony? You tell me that you are still into research and development and pride yourself on learning and I get it, but you are no longer doing priest stuff right? So why wear this thread?" 

When the question is asked in English with a Japanese accent from an innocent and sincere face, I felt my FAQ needed a re-write!

Told her that as far as I knew, most of the folks who wear the thread were born into the families of brahmins, but there are lot of instances of folks accepting the thread and pursusing a brahmin life. I still had not answered the second part of the question.. why still wear it if you are not doing prayers every day like a priest?

The bell rang and I walked into the hot room. We were 55 minutes into the 90 minute class and were going from standing series to floor series to get a 2 minute break lying down staring at the ceiling in dead body pose. I was way too alive for those two minutes as my brain was trying to consisely summarize what definied a person as a brahmin, more specifically what defined me in my own opinion (that level of restricting the question should have an easy answer). Forget the rest of the world Sundar.. what makes you a Brahmin in your own mind?

So I tried to summarize with my fingers the bullet points of what I valued as Brahmin, lying there staring at the ceiling, counting with my thumb against the tips of my fingers. 

a. Value knowledge over everything else

    1. Keep an open mind

    2. respect your teacher above anything else

    3. keep learning no matter what your age

    4. don't keep that learning to yourself. . . teach people whenever possible (and I was smiling thinking...

        unless restricted by IP licenses and legal contracts)

    5. Question things.

        i. If the answers don't make sense keep questioning

        ii. don't accept an answer because it is convenient

        iii. don't reject an answer because it is beyond your comprehension at that time.

b. Don't chase money, power or crave social acceptance

    1. Knowledge and and education are more important than being rich or powerful

    2. spare no effort to make sure your kids get the best education (something that was passed on from

        parents and relatives)

    3. value knowledge and money will come. Value money and ignorance and arrogance will come.

c. Be obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleanliness

    1. if there is one thing that is common to all the rules to follow growing up in a Brahmin family it is the love

        for cleaning oneself obsessively and learning to love it..

    2. be careful with what you eat and how you clean things before eating (goes to vegetarian choice, cleaning

        the floor before putting plates or eating from banana leaves, drinking from glasses where you dont touch

        the glass with your lips, sharing food with others in same plates etc.. ).

Almost looks like folks came up with elaborate rules after some epidemic that was spread by human contact or through food and the rules stayed with the survivors of the epidemic and became the POR or BKM.. (Process Of Record , Best Known Method for folks who are wondering..)

d. Follow the rules

    1. Be it the rituals to follow during prayers (it is more like a training for you to know that following rules is important, maybe some rules are made by the priest and others are made by your wife.. but follow the rules you must)

    2. or the rules in daily life. If there is a rule of law follow it or work to change it

e. Respect 

    1. everyone for what they do. I do see a lot of folks with the thread falter on this one. If you do have good guidance and great teachers, you will know that respecting everyone for what they do is the right way. 

    2. respect yourself (you realize this as part of the daily ritual after getting the thread)

    3. respect the thread and what it reminds you of and what it stands for

Visions of my grandfather kept coming to me and I had tears for no reason just thinking of him. I would constantly try to be a pain in the ass asking him 20 questions per minute and he would sit in the backyard in the evening and explain things to me one at a time with infinite patience while taking some Tulasi and green camphor, crush it and hold it under my nose to clear my blocked nose so I could ask him more questions without suffering.. 

My kids never ask me any such questions. They seem to have some intuitive understanding of who they are and are comfortable with who they are..

I was all set to have more detailed answers for the next time someone asked me questions.. 

Then came the funny side of life. Does this come in different sizes? you used to have a smaller thread.. this one is much larger! it was true. Somehow the priest who gave me this thread has given me a much longer poonal. 

was going to say "It comes in S, M, L and XL. Somehow I got the XL but given I already changed it, going to stick to it till next year and go back to M" but turth is most of the time I have seen only two sizes, a kids size and adult size.. For some reason this time I have a much longer one.

Have to go ask my dad for answers!

Every year around this time there is a lot of festivities. Today happens to be Janmashtami, Krishna's birthday. There is more stuff to eat and a prayer to be said in the name of Krishna.. 

My stomach is returning to normal again just in time and that is great news..

MIL has outdone herself this year with some treats!

Being Brahmin and wearing a poonal should not stop with just wearing it and doing Sandhyavandanam.. to me it means knowing how to make seedai, experimenting with it, passing on what I learned and most importantly washing my hands before eating the seedai!