The end of an era

Have not written anything in ages. We visited India to do the Varushabdhegam ceremony for my dad. A year has flown by since his passing and I had promised him over and over again that I will be there to do his rites. Planned this trip in Jan as soon as the calendar was available and dates were known.

This trip has been very challenging on every front. Physically exhausting as the best tickets were on Emirates in Jan and we had an unnecessary war to make flying through middle east miserable.

Mentally and emotionally I was oscillating between being numb to being in tears. My father saved everything. Every photo, inland letter from my college day, Aerograms from my grad school days, old photos, prizes I got, gifts, the first suitcase I took to IT-BHU, there was enough material in the attic to start a Sundar museum. Not to mention he had similar stuff for my brother and sister. Cleaning up everything and going through stuff was emotional.

Then there was a promise to go do a Pitr tharpanam in the himalayas (He did it in the late nineties) and I had no idea what to expect. Went and did it anyways. Two weeks of extreme stress, a few smiles from nostalgia here and there, some sighs of relief of things going as planned and a sense of completion and accomplishment that somehow we have done everything we possibly can for the dude to go into the afterlife.

If after all this his soul doesn’t rest in peace, when my time comes I will take a lot of people to task.

May take a lot of time to write about this trip in more detail. Given my emotional state, this will be a raw post. So after this will switch to another recent trip that never saw a mention.

Have spent three hours non stop looking at old photos and videos this evening. Had no idea 3 hours flew by. A rush of memories.. so randomly saved a few of the videos to my desktop and made the compilation at the end of this post..

My dad had a crappy childhood but he lucked out with my mom. So his life got better and better till Parkinson’s got him. I have inherited a lot of good things from him (hopefully not Parkinson’s). Going through the photos made me realize a lot of things all at once.

Still coming to terms with the fact that our vaadhyaar gave me a bunch of darbai and pavithrams and said “you are now set for a year of tharpanams”. My mom is living with my brother and finally she has seen the inside of a temple after a year of staying home. The familiar place where I would go see my dad or sing and have him nod his head or raise his eyebrows in silent appreciation is also moving on. I did get to sing a song for him one last time at the end of the ceremony. A vallalar song. He used to keep telling this story of how when I was almost 2 (before my brother was born) I would wear a towel around my head and hide behind a door. He would have to find me when coming back home from office and I would announce myself as “I am Ramalinga Adigal”. . . he would imitate me saying that as a baby. He never got tired of that story. So it was apt to sing it there.

My mom is a rock. She is probably dealing with this a lot better than any of us are. The good news is so is my wife. In some twist of fate, I have found an emotionally stoic woman like my mom who takes everything in her stride. Even for that I have to credit my dad.

I can ramble on for another four hours. So will stop here.. My mom told me not to junk anything in that house. So I took photos of 3700 photos and then cut them all up and tossed them. A bitter realization in the exercise is that once we are gone, the physical stuff we collect has to be a small curated shoe box. A few defining things. That is about it. I have 2000 books at home. Magnet boards with magnets from every place we visited, a ton of cassettes, CD’s DVD’s etc.. Not sure if anyone is ever going to look at anything.. so going to start a clean up exercise and change some habits going forward. It will be tough as it is not in my DNA. Time will tell..

My dad holding Jr. after her Mottai in 2003

A photo with my mom before we started doing the tharpanam two weeks ago..

As a child I have played cricket with this tree, climbed on the parapet walls here.. done paper kappals when the road would flood in rainy season.. it was bitter sweet walking with a lot of stuff my dad had saved, in that first suitcase he bought me for my undergrad in Varanasi.

This window view was all he had for most of the last 6 years of his life. The crows were his entertainment as he would watch the sunrise and sunset. Took this photo of a sunrise from that window..

This was the last photo I took of him when he came back from Apollo ICU in September 2024. He knew I would never see him again. Just a small wave of goodbye. He was cremated before I went and did the last rites. Living aboard has as many disadvantages as there are advantages.

We are moving on.. hopefully he is in a much better place now.

the video..

Adding this video of the Vallalar song here. Sang this a day after writing this post. Family who could not make it can listen to it. I was so emotional that afternoon that my attempt must have been a lot more flawed.

We did go do the Char dham and I did a Pitr Tarpanam in Gangothri on Ganga dushera for my dad and all ancestors. I am no Bhageeratha, but I am what my dad got. So he has to make do with my attempt.

It will be some time before I write about that. Mostly painful memories. My sincere request to folks is that this pilgrimage is not to be attempted unless you have 8 -9 days of travel time. Trying to do it in 5-6 days will be extremely painful. Also if you have any health issues or are traveling with older people, this trip is not for you!

Happy to be back home and hug the kids. Folks at work who are culturally insensitive kept asking me how my “vacation went’ inspite of me telling them this is more of an extended bereavement. Good thing I didn’t go postal.

Also don’t know why Baudhayana had to make every thing more complex for his followers. Some day if I get to meet him in spirit, my first question would be “why this kolaveri?”. The Apastambha guys seem to have it easy.

Happy to be writing in this space again.. hopefully will cheer up from tomorrow. I have a good feeling about tomorrow.

A year end trip with twists and turns - Day 0 and 1

We literally came back after a 11 day break first week of December. The kids were. not a part of it. Given work and school, they were free only from 23rd evening. So San had made a plan to go “somewhere” with the kids to wrap up 2025. It was the kids choice and all I knew early on was that it was to be a “kids style vacation” which meant, sitting somewhere with a view and reading a book sipping drinks, be it mocktails or masala chai.

Even the original location was not in my radar and all I knew was to take enough yoga shorts which meant water was involved.

We were to leave on Christmas Eve and come back on 29th. Given no one was working during that time, it was good by me. I am not one for going to a new location and sitting in one place. The kids knew that and still wanted me to “let go of wanting to go places”. The original plan was apparently to fly from SFO to Faa’a airport in Tahiti, then fly from there to Raiatea island, take a boat and spend 3 days in the Taaha resort and come back.

Two days before the trip, the resort called San and said they had to close because of some issue with local government regulation, they were very sorry and will give a full refund. What about the non refundable flights for four people to the middle of nowhere? There was only one other place in that island and apparently the girls didn’t like it. So alternate arrangements were made to stay in Bora Bora in a nice hotel called The Royal. You get the idea.

Now this meant keeping the original flights and booking an extra flight from Raiatea to Bora Bora and back to keep the original flight tickets intact. Fate had other plans. Also the girls missed two things about the local island geography and the flight patterns for these islands.. All these islands are part of French Polynesia and Bora Bora is definitely one of the most amazing islands here.

Our trip started with a lot of panic. San and me went to Bikram Yoga at 4:30 PM and came out at 6PM. We were to leave for SFO airport at 8PM. When we started driving back, got a text from kids saying heavy rains and winds knocked out a transformer. There was no power, cant open garage door and electric water heater is out. We had no change of clothes and were on our way back. I took a chilled water shower in the dark while San ran to our neighbors house to shower (thankfully they had a powerwall). After this we did all the last minute packing with flashlights. The laundry was still in the rinse cycle when power went out. We decided to just turn everything off (when you have lights that have multiple switches and the kids don’t know which lights were on when power went out, it makes it interesting). I even made Maggi in the dark( we do have one stove that works even without power which we can light with a matchstick).. technology is great when there is power! When we went to the airport it was really bad. Just as we were about to leave the driveway, the power came for 2 minutes! Enough to reset the garage door and turn off all the lights! Thanks to Pillayar for small mercies. Usually Pillayar helps when we take trips. Think this time he went on vacation as well. Our travails continued.

We flew on French Bee airlines. I would avoid them if possible. The flight from SFO started 2 hours late (after we sat in the plane they were doing flight maintenance checks) and the return flight was also 2 hours late. It is one of those flights where you have to buy everything on the flight and vegetarian options end up being limited to chips, pringles and pretzels. Not okay for an 8 hour flight that is delayed by 2 hours every time.

When we landed in Tahiti, we ran and made it to the connecting flight only to be told that carry on baggage is 5 kg on the local flights. We had 7 kg bags from the US which was totally okay and is the carry on for almost all flights everywhere. The local airline said that given we had to check the 4 bags there was not enough time and we had to go on a flight 2 hours later. So we sat there for 2 hours in Tahiti and finally made it to the flight to Raiatea. We were in shock as that flight stopped in Bora Bora for 20 minutes, dropped some people off, took some people and went to Raiatea. Given we were going to spend 3 hours in that island (to see a place called Uttarua .. based on someone’s Insta recommendation.. avan mattum en kaila maatinaan. !!). We asked the air hostess if we could get down given these flights were being run like local village buses. She said nope. Get down in Raiatea. When we got down and got the bags, the entire airport closed. It was Christmas. There were only 5-6 staff at the airport for the two airlines that flew there and they all went to spend time with family. We were told that the Uttarua place is closed completely for Christmas and no shops were open. There were no taxis available on this small island either. The airline rep told us to stay at the airport and have some drinks at the restaurant (which was open) and they will all come back in 5 hours for the last 4 flights of the evening.

She did do us a favor by putting us on a flight to Bora Bora earlier.

Raiatea airport is small. It is a nice shack and the restaurant is another shack. Cute, and quiet. There was a lady selling jewelry at the airport who spoke English and helped translate. We took a 2-3 hour nap. thankfully San had packed lemon rice and idlis which we had for lunch. Then we walked around the airport and sat at the restaurant some more. Guess we got what we asked for.. a vacation where we did nothing.. it was a kind of detox. no cell phone, no signal at times.. there was nothing to do but to enjoy the sudden downpours, the sudden clearing of skies, watch the birds.. After spending 6 hours between the four of us (we have not spent this kind of quality time together in a long time) we finally made it on the 20 minute flight to Bora Bora.

It was another interesting experience. The flight ticket included a boat ride from Bora Bora airport (which is its own island with only the airport) to the main Bora Bora which has the volcano crater and hotels all around the lagoon. Once we made that boat ride to Vaitape, a car from the hotel picked us up and took us to the Royal Hotel.

It was a nice welcome and we went to our rooms, showered, changed and came out for dinner. All our meals were at the restaurant that was part of the hotel. They had vegetarian options. The sun had just set 10 minutes before we made it for dinner and the skies were lit. So we did take a few pictures before dinner. After dinner we just went and crashed.

It had taken us 26 hours to get to our final destination when it could have been 11. Still we enjoyed the day as we were all together.

Here are some pictures (some from the plane window)… the place is absolutely breathtaking!

The first photo below was my view for 3 hours in Raiatea airport. This is pretty much the sum total of the airport ceiling. We did try to take a family portrait with self timer by placing the phone on a coconut tree.. however it was already dark.. but we saw this and said “tomorrow we are going to get great photos!” . There were only 10 other guests total on Christmas night. So dinner was fast and quiet at the dinner hall in the hotel.

The first video below is our experience at the Raiatea airport on Christmas. We have traveled on red eye to a lot of places on Christmas, but never have we faced this type of a situation. This was an interesting experience.

Once we got to Bora Bora we were tired but happy, got to see a nice warm room, a nice hotel, beautiful beach and lagoon, food! Somehow looking back at the two video clips, I think we were all just smiling through both experiences anyways.

The videos do a better job for this post than the pictures.

Day 2 was going to be better than day 1 after a good nights rest.. I had not factored in the roosters of Bora Bora which have their own daylight savings time. They start crowing a good two hours before sunrise. That in the next post..

A destination wedding

The previous post in this series is here..

The main reason for this entire trip during and after Thanksgiving was our friends son’s wedding.

Most of Cupertino descended in Phuket at the JW Marriott to celebrate.

The kids (they will always be kids to all the uncles and aunties) show a level of maturity that made us think “were we like this at that age?”

There was a sense of calm with the bride and groom that was amazing to watch. There is a lot happening around them and they are actually tying to direct the groups to the right people, interact with everyone, check on people. At one point I told the groom “You should just not have to check on anything!” and he just gave his usual smile.

We have attended a few weddings in the recent years given the next generation in our extended family is all growing up. This was our first destination wedding outside of the US. So it made for an interesting experience. The other recent weddings we attended all had the boy and girl from different cultures within India.. Tamil-Telugu, Tamil-Gurarathi.. etc. but here both the kids were from the same community, but still there were subtle differences in their family traditions when it came to wedding ceremonies. Our local priest from Cupertino who also flew in to conduct the wedding did an outstanding job of juggling everything, explaining things to the audience and made the entire event memorable.

I was strictly told to keep my hands off cameras and leave it to the pros.. and there were 5 photographers running around in circles making it difficult for anyone else to get photos anyways.. Did capture this candid shot of the kids from the iPhone.. Sincerely wish they stay as happy the rest of their lives. They have all their Cupertino uncles and aunties watching them.. the next generation has a lot more challenges than us as we are definitely leaving the world in worse shape than we got it.. or so I feel.. but inspite of all our attempts to screw things up for them, they are in every way better than us. They have what it takes to navigate things. Saw it in their eyes and the way they handled things.. had happy tears watching them go around the fire… blessed them with all my heart!

There were people on boats from the sea taking pictures of the mandap as were tourists walking on the beach.. think they photobombed a lot of the pictures. They must not be used to seeing the groom show up in a decked up horse to the mandap for a baraat..

We had an amazing time.. got to sing songs during the wedding ceremony. We had practiced for a few weeks before the wedding! San got to dance with the other “aunties”.. (I will get flak for this sentence alone but it is what it is).. We got to dress differently for the different events..

There was a short gap between the wedding and reception and we finally spent some time as a group walking around the beach and taking pictures.

My friend gave a speech but sadly we had to leave mid way into the reception as our flight was late that night and it was a 90 minutes drive to the airport. We did catch the video later. He is still giving me crap for missing his epic speech. I had to get back to work Monday morning and literally dropped suitcases at home and went to work to take care of a few things. Phuket airport is not anywhere close to the other airports we visited on this trip.. It could seriously use some more disciplined people. The airport was dirty, there was no crowd management at the lines, no proper lanes, airport and restrooms were not clean.. Thankfully we had to spend only a couple of hours there. Our stop at Seoul aiport was much nicer. We enjoyed the three hour break there before flying back to SFO.

We said bye to everyone and Phuket to wrap up a fantastic 10 days in southeast Asia!

Will summarize all these stops in one blog post to share the entire trip itinerary.