A toothbrush, napkin wrapper and an evening of shopping

Could have titled this post "three conversations" but that would be bland..

On recent Asia trips, I have started a new habit. Take the toiletries I use in the hotel room and put them in by backpack every day.. then bring them home, use them a few more times before throwing them. My little contribution to the "green earth" campaign? Actually not! 

A colleage told me that he saw a youtube video where the folks who come clean the rooms in star hotels in Asia, were caught on hidden camera, using the guest's toothbrushes in the toilet just out of spite. "Why take chances?" was my logic.

Came back from the trip and was about to throw the comb and brush (which had squished itself in my backpack and was not usable anymore) into the bathroom bin, and saw teh green glow of the sanitary napkin wrapper under the bin lid. Given my jet lag and my inclination to randomly burst out at my wife and kids for 24 hours after the trip, either when woken up or when asked to do pick up drop offs where I see myself unfit for driving, this wrapper put me on high alert. So the next day I was doing everything, as my usual being extra nice to my wife routine. Did not talk back, accepted last minute schedule changes, etc. I was tired and pissed off in general, but was okay with it.

Then we have a conversation where my wife asks me do take the kids somewhere, at the last minute and I said "fine!". My kids were genuinely suprised by this. After she left the house, they asked "what is going on?". She has asked you to do things quite at the last mintue since yesterday and you have been accepting this. This is the third time just today... Did you do something wrong? 

Me: Look, your mom has also been tired as I have been gone for a week. She is going through a busy time at work, has been doing all the driving by herself and also she is "aathula illai"!

"aathula illai" literally translates to "she is not in the house" and figuratively means "she is on her periods". The kids were rolling and laughing out loud. When I asked them why, they tell me that the only remaining box of pads was in our bathroom, and when they go to our bathroom to grab pads, they unwrap and put the cover and stickers in our bin.  The joke was apparently on me and I was being extra nice for no reason... I was going to ask "wait, how long has this being going on?" and was about to lecture them on the importance of using their own bin for their own trash as it is sending me wrong signals, and decided.. yeah, the joke was on me. It was okay to be nice to San even if for all the wrong reasons.

So I throttled back on the nice a little bit. I still had jet lag. An attempt to do yoga to fight jet lag ended up with me running out of the hot room to get rid of stomach acid and I really was unable to fight the afternoon nap, which ended up being more than a nap. 

I walk around after this "nap" in zombieland and overhear the wife and kids having a conversation about what to do on our 20th wedding anniversary. Instead of walking on by, made the mistake of blurting out,  "lets go somewhere local so we can have a day out and come back home by evening and celebrate dinner at home with family and friends"... the looks.. oh the looks I got in response! They were planning something else.. then the kids look at me and ask "wait ! isn't this YOUR anniversary as in both of you? so why is Amma planning something on her own. She said it is HER anniversary" . My response was "she is giving herself an award for putting up with me for 20 years! I might not even be invited to the celebration and won't be surpised if that happens!" 

This is shortly followed by me being asked to come along on a shopping trip. Went very very reluctantly because I was guilted into coming. Was answering phone calls outside a shop and was busy taking pictures of a crow inside the mall when we decided that one kid should go with each parent to shorten the shopping time.

Walked around with Jr. and found out through some Matlock / Colombo style detective work that she was going to go on a banquet with her Marching band and was planning to buy a "dress" for it. She tried some stuff and was not happy. Then I told her "it is cold out. you are doing straight to a dinner and coming back. just wear a nice shirt and a good sweater on top, which you have plenty of, no?" and she says "you are right. I will do that. it is a good idea!"  I was really surprised. Would I in this lifetime see my daughter become a value shopper like me? would she ever bargain with multiple vendors to find the base price and do a deal where they still make money and she would get a good deal? My head was racing with the possibilities!

Then we are having dinner and the little one says "I am Appa!".. I was a little confused. Is this some "We are with Paris" type thing she is starting, to make me feel better?! Turns out, she just realized that she eats just like me.. Her friends were telling her that she eats like a camel by moving her lower jaw out and she was watching me eat and realized she does the same thing. So, it wasn't some kind of solidarity movement. Just a bitter realization, but she was smiling and was giving me a "Guess there is no escaping the genes!" look. 

Later,  San shows me a few sarees online to see which ones I liked. Picked three on the a vs. b choices she gave and she said ...all those are old lady sarees. they are not "chinna ponnu" sarees... (Chinna Ponnu is little girl quite literally). On the one hand we have the bearded me trying to tell the world he is done with looks and has accepted his age while we have a chinna ponnu with two chinna ponnu's under the same roof. I did not even respond to that comment and just nodded, thinking "The generation gap between us is increasing rapidly!" 

Have realized over the last few months that it doesn't take much to make myself happy. I can be alone and reset myself. Can stare at myself in the mirror and come out with a "don't care" attitude. Feels more and more like I am forcing myself through the daily routines, as part of a responsibilty and commitment but take no joy in certain things like chauffering or even shaving anymore. San hates the chauffering equally as she does my beard. 

The life cycle was explained to us in middle school as a four stage process.. first stage, bachelor hood, 15 years of studying and being a good boy, then 15 years of married life and having kids, then 15 years of living in the forest and the last 15 of being an ascetic renouncing stuff. Now that retirement age keeps rising, even the Wikipedia entries for the four ashramas are being pushed to 24 freaking years each!!! I don't think I will live past 70 anyways, so the whole thing is messed up.

Maybe I have reached that stage in life where one is supposed to say bye to everyone and walk into the forest alongwith my wife, to live out our last years? Don't think "chinna ponnu" is likely to follow me into any forest anytime soon, or even a national park for that matter. It was my dream to rent an RV and just visit every national park in the continental US, go on long hikes and take time to photograph sunsets, with no time limit to come back to the parking lot. San used to share that dream, given we both liked long road trips before we had kids. I used to haul my camera bag and she used to carry my tripod and walk with me to watch / capture the sunset. Now I don't think all the time in the world is going to be enough for me to get to those same locations we visited before, from even the closest parking lots carrying that camera bag! 

My family tells me that my battery is low. I am not excited for anything anymore. I don't know why! Maybe I need a career change. Maybe all this travel has turned me into an emotionless lump. Maybe I am just too tired to fight the good fight on a daily basis. Maybe yoga has turned me into a very inward person who has become extremely selfish subconsciously (not my theory). Maybe I need some Glucon-D or Cinkara ?! (see, there is still a funny guy somewhere in there).

Still writing down these odd little conversations,  because this is what life is about in my eyes.. things kids say and do, how we evolve as children, as parents, how a mundane or not so mundane routine impacts us in ways that are deep, lifes little victories and defeats, perceptions right and wrong,  all over a span of few days, sometimes a few hours! 

A lot less grumpy today and the routine continues. Have to make an effort to find my interest in everyday things back to that stage where every little thing that my wife or kids did filled me with amazment and wonder. It is not their issue, it is clearly a waning of my ability to see the magic that is happening in front of my eyes. Need those special glasses back...

It will happen!

A vacation of a lifetime

Last October my wife and kids declared that they want to see Europe. They were going to go with or without me. All I had to do was join them. 

Then there was the scheduling issue with me going to Asia on a regular basis. So it was decided for a lot of reasons to book a two week trip in early July. As usual work always made it more difficult. I had to fly back from Asia and fly to Europe the next morning with family. This was like a recipe for disaster with Jet lag lag..

San planned everything with help from the kids. They had selected 640 places to visit in Europe in 12 days and out of respect for the laws of physics and some constraints with the time space continuum, they zeroed it down to one city per day. 

Had agreed to join them as a traveler as long as there was no driving involved and I would do the same things they did. So the deal was on. There was also one other stipulation. It was summarized in a simple Tamizh phrase "poththindu varanum".. which crudely translates to "shut all your holes and come".. or in English "Not one complaint from you on the planning"..

So I did not complain.. during the trip. There is always the post trip blog for that..

Step 1: Fly to Rome via Zurich. The flight was great. Then we ended up in the Zurich airport for a good 9 hours because... 

So we spent some quality family time together at the airport. Took some pictures.. 

Then I got to work on a yoga photo for a good 3 hours while the wife and kids did their thing. 

Here is the end result. I had posted a smaller version of this before leaving because there was no single minded focus and attention to detail then.. 

The family was just blown away by my Photoshopping dedication. Hadn't left the seat for 3 hours.. it was me and the laptop.

Oh yes.. some pictures from the airport.

We then ended up watching the world cup game where Argentina got eliminated at the gate and eventually made it to Rome. 

When we got out of the Rome airport a guy said he was the official Taxi stand guy and said 60 Euro for 4 people. We told him the hotel already told us 48 Euro. He agreed and asked us to wait at a door. We kept waiting and the first thing that hit us was the Cigarette smoke. Looks like there are more lit cigarettes at any time in Rome than there are mouths.. after some time we realized he was a quack and we found the actual taxi stand. It had a nice label. Fixed rate, 12 Euros per person per trip anywhere in city! so we stood in line, got a taxi, showed the address and reached! The driver gave us a mini tour of sorts describing places as we went from airport to hotel. 

It was actually not bad. When we finally made it to the room in Rome at almost 11PM, there was a sense of satisfaction. We had made it as a family to Europe after three earlier aborted attempts!

It could only get better from there.. 

To be continued.

To moms everywhere

When one gets to see one's mom face to face once every two years and on video calls once in 3 months, an official  "mother's day" is warranted. 

Being at home for Mother's day is also a nice thing. Was supposed to come back Saturday, but came in a day early thanks to another food poisoning scare. At this point, I need a quick test to check the food before eating it to find out if it will make me throw up. Someone should come up with a field test equipment to check foods for allergens. 

This morning the mother hen got a lot of gifts and we have all been on our best behaviour, although the day is far from over and it is too early to call. Given that previous sentence, you get the general picture that the average day for San is a disappointing one. 

Over the last year and a half, given my travel schedule, the dynamic in the house has changed a lot. Have seen too many traveling men lose their families (out of sight, out of mind, right?!) and the ones that still have their families being reduced to the same treatment as an ATM machine. 

Do not want to end up like that. So my own insecurities have led me to be the good cop more often than in years before. That makes San the bad cop all the time and the kids really take it out on her. She has gone and cried her eyes out on multiple occasions last year because the kids saw her as "some kind of enemy" and I did not step in enough to take sides.  Again, these are perceptions and perceptions are a precursor to reality.

There is another issue with taking sides when three girls are fighting. One minute they are fighting. Next minute they are best friends and the one guy in the house, who took sides is the bad guy, simply because he took sides! So it is a lose-lose situation for me if I take sides. Having learned that the hard way, I sit outside the ring and watch. 

All I wanted to do was wish everyone a happy mothers day and this post is meandering out of control. So getting back on topic, today has been a good and peaceful day so far. 

Called my mother and wish her a Happy Mother's day. Her remote controlling abilities on me are waning and it is noticeable. These days there is no guilt tripping, no lecturing, etc. There is just a quiet resignation to the fact that her son is not going to do a desk job and is unlikely to stop traveling in the near future in spite of all her pleas and all she can do is to pray for my health.

The fact that my grandma is not doing well, is more on her mind than anything. Have made a resolution that before this year ends, will go spend a few days or at least a weekend with my parents.

Then I went to yoga class this morning. The owner of the studio, was on the adjacent mat. For those readers who do not know her, think of the Mother Superior in the Convent schools we see in our Tamil and Malayalam movies, and square it. Two weeks ago, she had planned to do back to back classes and for some reason got pulled back to attend to urgent business before the second class. So her empty mat was there next to mine. The thought that she might show up suddenly on that mat anytime, scared me enough to give 120% for the first 20 mintues of class. The Virtual teacher was scarier than the real one.  

There are only two scenarios that are more serious than having the Yoga Matriarch on that next mat, real or virtual.

a. My MIL on the next mat. 

b. My mom on the next mat

Two women who are capable of pushing me with that "mom sentiment". 

a. has happened and has been verified, while b. is highly unlikely to happen in this lifetime.

All that said, my Yoga teachers are my "in-loco-moms" now. They make sure I don't get away with any slacking. They also care in a way only a mom cares for you. Push you a little bit over the edge knowing that falling is part of learning to walk. 

I type this with the realization that one has to be really fortunate and have good Karma, to be surrounded by women who make your world worth living.

Here's to moms!

Happy mothers day everyone. 

Now, have to go and make sure the rest of the day is peaceful ! 

ps. Was searching for a good photo of my dad for him to use on his cell phone ID in India and found these ones from 4 years ago. The first one is "mom, the by the book south Indian wife" and the second one is "mom, the school teacher who taught for 42 years and retired"