The end of an era

Have not written anything in ages. We visited India to do the Varushabdhegam ceremony for my dad. A year has flown by since his passing and I had promised him over and over again that I will be there to do his rites. Planned this trip in Jan as soon as the calendar was available and dates were known.

This trip has been very challenging on every front. Physically exhausting as the best tickets were on Emirates in Jan and we had an unnecessary war to make flying through middle east miserable.

Mentally and emotionally I was oscillating between being numb to being in tears. My father saved everything. Every photo, inland letter from my college day, Aerograms from my grad school days, old photos, prizes I got, gifts, the first suitcase I took to IT-BHU, there was enough material in the attic to start a Sundar museum. Not to mention he had similar stuff for my brother and sister. Cleaning up everything and going through stuff was emotional.

Then there was a promise to go do a Pitr tharpanam in the himalayas (He did it in the late nineties) and I had no idea what to expect. Went and did it anyways. Two weeks of extreme stress, a few smiles from nostalgia here and there, some sighs of relief of things going as planned and a sense of completion and accomplishment that somehow we have done everything we possibly can for the dude to go into the afterlife.

If after all this his soul doesn’t rest in peace, when my time comes I will take a lot of people to task.

May take a lot of time to write about this trip in more detail. Given my emotional state, this will be a raw post. So after this will switch to another recent trip that never saw a mention.

Have spent three hours non stop looking at old photos and videos this evening. Had no idea 3 hours flew by. A rush of memories.. so randomly saved a few of the videos to my desktop and made the compilation at the end of this post..

My dad had a crappy childhood but he lucked out with my mom. So his life got better and better till Parkinson’s got him. I have inherited a lot of good things from him (hopefully not Parkinson’s). Going through the photos made me realize a lot of things all at once.

Still coming to terms with the fact that our vaadhyaar gave me a bunch of darbai and pavithrams and said “you are now set for a year of tharpanams”. My mom is living with my brother and finally she has seen the inside of a temple after a year of staying home. The familiar place where I would go see my dad or sing and have him nod his head or raise his eyebrows in silent appreciation is also moving on. I did get to sing a song for him one last time at the end of the ceremony. A vallalar song. He used to keep telling this story of how when I was almost 2 (before my brother was born) I would wear a towel around my head and hide behind a door. He would have to find me when coming back home from office and I would announce myself as “I am Ramalinga Adigal”. . . he would imitate me saying that as a baby. He never got tired of that story. So it was apt to sing it there.

My mom is a rock. She is probably dealing with this a lot better than any of us are. The good news is so is my wife. In some twist of fate, I have found an emotionally stoic woman like my mom who takes everything in her stride. Even for that I have to credit my dad.

I can ramble on for another four hours. So will stop here.. My mom told me not to junk anything in that house. So I took photos of 3700 photos and then cut them all up and tossed them. A bitter realization in the exercise is that once we are gone, the physical stuff we collect has to be a small curated shoe box. A few defining things. That is about it. I have 2000 books at home. Magnet boards with magnets from every place we visited, a ton of cassettes, CD’s DVD’s etc.. Not sure if anyone is ever going to look at anything.. so going to start a clean up exercise and change some habits going forward. It will be tough as it is not in my DNA. Time will tell..

My dad holding Jr. after her Mottai in 2003

A photo with my mom before we started doing the tharpanam two weeks ago..

As a child I have played cricket with this tree, climbed on the parapet walls here.. done paper kappals when the road would flood in rainy season.. it was bitter sweet walking with a lot of stuff my dad had saved, in that first suitcase he bought me for my undergrad in Varanasi.

This window view was all he had for most of the last 6 years of his life. The crows were his entertainment as he would watch the sunrise and sunset. Took this photo of a sunrise from that window..

This was the last photo I took of him when he came back from Apollo ICU in September 2024. He knew I would never see him again. Just a small wave of goodbye. He was cremated before I went and did the last rites. Living aboard has as many disadvantages as there are advantages.

We are moving on.. hopefully he is in a much better place now.

the video..

Adding this video of the Vallalar song here. Sang this a day after writing this post. Family who could not make it can listen to it. I was so emotional that afternoon that my attempt must have been a lot more flawed.

We did go do the Char dham and I did a Pitr Tarpanam in Gangothri on Ganga dushera for my dad and all ancestors. I am no Bhageeratha, but I am what my dad got. So he has to make do with my attempt.

It will be some time before I write about that. Mostly painful memories. My sincere request to folks is that this pilgrimage is not to be attempted unless you have 8 -9 days of travel time. Trying to do it in 5-6 days will be extremely painful. Also if you have any health issues or are traveling with older people, this trip is not for you!

Happy to be back home and hug the kids. Folks at work who are culturally insensitive kept asking me how my “vacation went’ inspite of me telling them this is more of an extended bereavement. Good thing I didn’t go postal.

Also don’t know why Baudhayana had to make every thing more complex for his followers. Some day if I get to meet him in spirit, my first question would be “why this kolaveri?”. The Apastambha guys seem to have it easy.

Happy to be writing in this space again.. hopefully will cheer up from tomorrow. I have a good feeling about tomorrow.

The thinking cap.. or thread.. is on!

Last weekend was interesting. It was the beginning of a lot of festivities. First the ladies celebrated Varalaskshmi vritham on Friday. We had a lot of friends and family visiting us in the evening. 

Had to fly out on Saturday afternoon and was initially very disappointed because the thread changing ceremony which I look forward to every year was on Sunday/Monday based on an earlier conversation with my parents. 

Was also looking forward to chatting with my nephews... all three of them who had their Upanayanam ceremony this summer. 

When I told my mom that I will miss the ceremony and spend the day on a plane and given I lose 15 hours due to time difference, the days and times don't count. My dad said in a matter of fact voice "change the thread before you leave or after you come back. I will tell you when. Something is better than nothing!". Then went on their usual gripe about travel, priorities in life, a persons reasoning, am I doing this travel for money or for some higher purpose, money is not the priroity,  etc. etc. 

As it turned out the actual day for the ceremony was Saturday and Sunday. So I got up bright and early on Saturday and changed my Poonal (refered to as thread in this blog over the years).

Wife and MIL had plenty of Idly batter from the previous day and made me Idly and also some Pongal. Was going to fast the rest of the day on the plane and do Gayathri Japam on the plane if possible. 

My parents were happy after seeing that picture. I pretty much slept through the plane ride and after reaching the hotel, took a shower, sat down facing the setting sun in the 20th floor of a hotel room and recited the gayathri mantra a 1008 times. My nose was blocked after the flight thanks to United freezing us in mid flight but it didn't stop me. Ate a few more of the packed idlis and went to sleep. 

Had severe headaches the rest of the trip and finally made it back. Went to do yoga and as usual the new white thread catches peoples eyes before I walk into the room and a person asks "what is the meaning of that?". 

So I went on the usual "It is something that a particular sect from India wears as a mark of their commitment to learning and the pursuit of knowledge." then after a few more questions and answers later (by this time I have a practical FAQ on the thread aka poonal written inside my head and the answers come with practiced ease), there was a bonus question. "Is it passed on by birth only or can anyone wear this thread and do the ceremony? You tell me that you are still into research and development and pride yourself on learning and I get it, but you are no longer doing priest stuff right? So why wear this thread?" 

When the question is asked in English with a Japanese accent from an innocent and sincere face, I felt my FAQ needed a re-write!

Told her that as far as I knew, most of the folks who wear the thread were born into the families of brahmins, but there are lot of instances of folks accepting the thread and pursusing a brahmin life. I still had not answered the second part of the question.. why still wear it if you are not doing prayers every day like a priest?

The bell rang and I walked into the hot room. We were 55 minutes into the 90 minute class and were going from standing series to floor series to get a 2 minute break lying down staring at the ceiling in dead body pose. I was way too alive for those two minutes as my brain was trying to consisely summarize what definied a person as a brahmin, more specifically what defined me in my own opinion (that level of restricting the question should have an easy answer). Forget the rest of the world Sundar.. what makes you a Brahmin in your own mind?

So I tried to summarize with my fingers the bullet points of what I valued as Brahmin, lying there staring at the ceiling, counting with my thumb against the tips of my fingers. 

a. Value knowledge over everything else

    1. Keep an open mind

    2. respect your teacher above anything else

    3. keep learning no matter what your age

    4. don't keep that learning to yourself. . . teach people whenever possible (and I was smiling thinking...

        unless restricted by IP licenses and legal contracts)

    5. Question things.

        i. If the answers don't make sense keep questioning

        ii. don't accept an answer because it is convenient

        iii. don't reject an answer because it is beyond your comprehension at that time.

b. Don't chase money, power or crave social acceptance

    1. Knowledge and and education are more important than being rich or powerful

    2. spare no effort to make sure your kids get the best education (something that was passed on from

        parents and relatives)

    3. value knowledge and money will come. Value money and ignorance and arrogance will come.

c. Be obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleanliness

    1. if there is one thing that is common to all the rules to follow growing up in a Brahmin family it is the love

        for cleaning oneself obsessively and learning to love it..

    2. be careful with what you eat and how you clean things before eating (goes to vegetarian choice, cleaning

        the floor before putting plates or eating from banana leaves, drinking from glasses where you dont touch

        the glass with your lips, sharing food with others in same plates etc.. ).

Almost looks like folks came up with elaborate rules after some epidemic that was spread by human contact or through food and the rules stayed with the survivors of the epidemic and became the POR or BKM.. (Process Of Record , Best Known Method for folks who are wondering..)

d. Follow the rules

    1. Be it the rituals to follow during prayers (it is more like a training for you to know that following rules is important, maybe some rules are made by the priest and others are made by your wife.. but follow the rules you must)

    2. or the rules in daily life. If there is a rule of law follow it or work to change it

e. Respect 

    1. everyone for what they do. I do see a lot of folks with the thread falter on this one. If you do have good guidance and great teachers, you will know that respecting everyone for what they do is the right way. 

    2. respect yourself (you realize this as part of the daily ritual after getting the thread)

    3. respect the thread and what it reminds you of and what it stands for

Visions of my grandfather kept coming to me and I had tears for no reason just thinking of him. I would constantly try to be a pain in the ass asking him 20 questions per minute and he would sit in the backyard in the evening and explain things to me one at a time with infinite patience while taking some Tulasi and green camphor, crush it and hold it under my nose to clear my blocked nose so I could ask him more questions without suffering.. 

My kids never ask me any such questions. They seem to have some intuitive understanding of who they are and are comfortable with who they are..

I was all set to have more detailed answers for the next time someone asked me questions.. 

Then came the funny side of life. Does this come in different sizes? you used to have a smaller thread.. this one is much larger! it was true. Somehow the priest who gave me this thread has given me a much longer poonal. 

was going to say "It comes in S, M, L and XL. Somehow I got the XL but given I already changed it, going to stick to it till next year and go back to M" but turth is most of the time I have seen only two sizes, a kids size and adult size.. For some reason this time I have a much longer one.

Have to go ask my dad for answers!

Every year around this time there is a lot of festivities. Today happens to be Janmashtami, Krishna's birthday. There is more stuff to eat and a prayer to be said in the name of Krishna.. 

My stomach is returning to normal again just in time and that is great news..

MIL has outdone herself this year with some treats!

Being Brahmin and wearing a poonal should not stop with just wearing it and doing Sandhyavandanam.. to me it means knowing how to make seedai, experimenting with it, passing on what I learned and most importantly washing my hands before eating the seedai! 

To each his own

One thing about the festival season in a south Indian brahmin family is the clothes.

Well, the guys get to wear their silk dhotis and the ladies come dressed like cute penguins in their madisaar saris!

It is an extra long saree (almost 50% longer) reserved for special occasions (usually red color) that they wear in a different way than the casual sari.

San will always be my hottie! She has always been cute to my eyes from the day she walked down the marriage hall and challenged me to be her husband. It was like a bull fightress with the red cape challenging a bull. To this day I am madly running around her, still unable to hit the mark!

To get back on track with the post, there is something about the madisaar sari that is a turn on. The casual San in her jeans and kurthi somehow magically transforms into a madisaar wearing hottie. It is possible that deep down somewhere the image of a madisaar mami is similar to how Hollywood movies portray the woman in her white wedding gown for desi boys like me!

Indian ancestors seem to have perfected the art of packaging. Cover almost everything, expose without really exposing, and let curiosity take care of the rest..

Well, as long as San keeps her "Koorai pudavai" in good shape and wears a madisaar once a year, she will still be my hottie when she is old and gray!

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