The end of an era

Have not written anything in ages. We visited India to do the Varushabdhegam ceremony for my dad. A year has flown by since his passing and I had promised him over and over again that I will be there to do his rites. Planned this trip in Jan as soon as the calendar was available and dates were known.

This trip has been very challenging on every front. Physically exhausting as the best tickets were on Emirates in Jan and we had an unnecessary war to make flying through middle east miserable.

Mentally and emotionally I was oscillating between being numb to being in tears. My father saved everything. Every photo, inland letter from my college day, Aerograms from my grad school days, old photos, prizes I got, gifts, the first suitcase I took to IT-BHU, there was enough material in the attic to start a Sundar museum. Not to mention he had similar stuff for my brother and sister. Cleaning up everything and going through stuff was emotional.

Then there was a promise to go do a Pitr tharpanam in the himalayas (He did it in the late nineties) and I had no idea what to expect. Went and did it anyways. Two weeks of extreme stress, a few smiles from nostalgia here and there, some sighs of relief of things going as planned and a sense of completion and accomplishment that somehow we have done everything we possibly can for the dude to go into the afterlife.

If after all this his soul doesn’t rest in peace, when my time comes I will take a lot of people to task.

May take a lot of time to write about this trip in more detail. Given my emotional state, this will be a raw post. So after this will switch to another recent trip that never saw a mention.

Have spent three hours non stop looking at old photos and videos this evening. Had no idea 3 hours flew by. A rush of memories.. so randomly saved a few of the videos to my desktop and made the compilation at the end of this post..

My dad had a crappy childhood but he lucked out with my mom. So his life got better and better till Parkinson’s got him. I have inherited a lot of good things from him (hopefully not Parkinson’s). Going through the photos made me realize a lot of things all at once.

Still coming to terms with the fact that our vaadhyaar gave me a bunch of darbai and pavithrams and said “you are now set for a year of tharpanams”. My mom is living with my brother and finally she has seen the inside of a temple after a year of staying home. The familiar place where I would go see my dad or sing and have him nod his head or raise his eyebrows in silent appreciation is also moving on. I did get to sing a song for him one last time at the end of the ceremony. A vallalar song. He used to keep telling this story of how when I was almost 2 (before my brother was born) I would wear a towel around my head and hide behind a door. He would have to find me when coming back home from office and I would announce myself as “I am Ramalinga Adigal”. . . he would imitate me saying that as a baby. He never got tired of that story. So it was apt to sing it there.

My mom is a rock. She is probably dealing with this a lot better than any of us are. The good news is so is my wife. In some twist of fate, I have found an emotionally stoic woman like my mom who takes everything in her stride. Even for that I have to credit my dad.

I can ramble on for another four hours. So will stop here.. My mom told me not to junk anything in that house. So I took photos of 3700 photos and then cut them all up and tossed them. A bitter realization in the exercise is that once we are gone, the physical stuff we collect has to be a small curated shoe box. A few defining things. That is about it. I have 2000 books at home. Magnet boards with magnets from every place we visited, a ton of cassettes, CD’s DVD’s etc.. Not sure if anyone is ever going to look at anything.. so going to start a clean up exercise and change some habits going forward. It will be tough as it is not in my DNA. Time will tell..

My dad holding Jr. after her Mottai in 2003

A photo with my mom before we started doing the tharpanam two weeks ago..

As a child I have played cricket with this tree, climbed on the parapet walls here.. done paper kappals when the road would flood in rainy season.. it was bitter sweet walking with a lot of stuff my dad had saved, in that first suitcase he bought me for my undergrad in Varanasi.

This window view was all he had for most of the last 6 years of his life. The crows were his entertainment as he would watch the sunrise and sunset. Took this photo of a sunrise from that window..

This was the last photo I took of him when he came back from Apollo ICU in September 2024. He knew I would never see him again. Just a small wave of goodbye. He was cremated before I went and did the last rites. Living aboard has as many disadvantages as there are advantages.

We are moving on.. hopefully he is in a much better place now.

the video..

Adding this video of the Vallalar song here. Sang this a day after writing this post. Family who could not make it can listen to it. I was so emotional that afternoon that my attempt must have been a lot more flawed.

We did go do the Char dham and I did a Pitr Tarpanam in Gangothri on Ganga dushera for my dad and all ancestors. I am no Bhageeratha, but I am what my dad got. So he has to make do with my attempt.

It will be some time before I write about that. Mostly painful memories. My sincere request to folks is that this pilgrimage is not to be attempted unless you have 8 -9 days of travel time. Trying to do it in 5-6 days will be extremely painful. Also if you have any health issues or are traveling with older people, this trip is not for you!

Happy to be back home and hug the kids. Folks at work who are culturally insensitive kept asking me how my “vacation went’ inspite of me telling them this is more of an extended bereavement. Good thing I didn’t go postal.

Also don’t know why Baudhayana had to make every thing more complex for his followers. Some day if I get to meet him in spirit, my first question would be “why this kolaveri?”. The Apastambha guys seem to have it easy.

Happy to be writing in this space again.. hopefully will cheer up from tomorrow. I have a good feeling about tomorrow.

A fond farewell

This blog has not seen a post since May 26th. It has been a 100 days. I simply could not get back to writing.

My dad passed on 29th of May. After going to India and participating in his last rites, something has left me. Do not know what it is. That 10+ days of going through rituals has left some unexplainable void.

There are a lot of things to write about. Lots of songs to sing. Somehow could not get back to doing things I do normally with the same ease. The only saving grace was yoga. Somehow knew that going to a hot and humid room and spending 90 minutes without making any external sound, will help silence my inner voice and bring me much needed calm, and it did. Kept doing yoga as much as possible.

One of my Smule group friends threw a party to introduce his son and new daugher-in-law after the marriage. Many from the group had planned to sing at this meet and greet. Did not sign up, but once there, my friends pulled me in to sing and I did enjoy that moment. Somehow after coming home after the event, went back into a funk.

Work kept me very busy. A young co-worker ended up sick right after I came back and that left another lump in my throat. Kept all my focus on just work and yoga. The writing and singing, taking pictures and hiking went sideways.

Then came the long weekend and we went on a trip as a family. This might have been the one chance to go as a family given the kids are adults now and their schedules are no longer under our control. It was a good week spent but still took me some time, to just log back into the blog site.

This is my online farewell to my dad. I have to write about the man and his influence or the buffer block won’t clear in my head.

Here is to

Shri Hariharan Narayanan of Pudukkottai, Chennai

1939-2025

My dad lost his mom at a very young age and that pretty much left a scar that carried through his life. He got married late and had kids late. He was extremely intelligent and smart. Had a phenomenal memory and ability to connect dots. He was also an emotional idiot with a penchant to romanticize tragedy and nostalgia.

His only bad trait was a short temper, a blown fuse that took its toll on me as a kid. Still when there was a time when no one stood by me, he was there for me. He was always the contrast to everything I looked up to in my grandpa. My grandpa was the biggest influence in my life. I always credit him for my value system, but my dad was there to shape it without intending to. Years later when my dad spent almost 6 months with us, I actually realized there were a lot of things that were common between my grandpa and my dad.

Then there is my reflection in the mirror, the things I do, my fear of going through Parkinson’s… which constantly remind me of him.

There were times I had a love hate relationship with who I was, who I am, but somethings I have not given up, like wearing my poonal, no matter what.. because he wanted me to wear it till I die, so sandyavandanam, change it once a year, so one day perform his last rites, give my daughters hand in marriage (in his eyes it was part of a rite of passage). He being who he was from a different time, was still talking to me about his sadness at me not having a son when I was already 50 and old enough to start thinking of becoming a grandpa myself. Over the years it used to annoy me, but as I matured, learned to laugh it off. There was no changing either one of us on certain things.

He mellowed out as he aged. It was easier to interact with him as the years passed. Not sure how much of that is a reflection of either one of us becoming more accepting. Maybe both of us!

As I write this, I can feel him right here next to me, reading this over my shoulder and suggesting edits, telling me I could do better than this. Wanted to write a fond farewell, only to realize there is no saying bye to someone who is a part of me.

He is definitely wishing me well from wherever he is.

Time is supposed to move things along and even if you sense a tinge of sadness in my writing and singing and overall mood, this too shall pass. We are seeing a steady improvement in my social interactivity coefficient already in 3 months. Maybe in another three months, will be back to being my usual self.

Here is to …

The Yoga journey is still on

If you have been reading this blog, it has been going all over the place.. to July 2024, then finally to other things.. There are a few things that don’t get mentioned which are reasons for all the anachronistic posts.

Last summer San and me knew there was a 9 day anniversary trip. Still we had signed up for a 60 day challenge. T-shirts make you do things I guess! For me it was a no brainer. The earlier two week trip in February had made me skip signing up for the Winter 2024 challenge. I haven’t missed a winter challenge in years! So the family knew I will sign up for the summer challenge. Given a 10 day miss for travel, we started doing doubles every day in the hot July summer. The first 22 days saw us do 44 classes.. mostly back to back. San had never done doubles before, so I was really impressed and proud of her effort. Then we went on the trip and came back to finish the challenge ahead of time. It was good we finished it ahead.

Just two days before the challenge end date, my mother called me to show my dad in Apollo ICU in Chennai. The prognosis was that he would’t make it by the time I left here and reached him. It was a timely call as I was booked for a business trip first thing the next morning. Cancelled that trip and flew to India.

By some miracle, my dad went from ICU to general ward and back home in the week I spent there. The doctor’s told me that at this point, his condition is expected to be the same for weeks or months. He was home though. My mom was relieved that he was home. Even though the room became a hospital room, he had pulled through. So with happy tears I flew back. Right after coming back we did attend the 60 day challenge party. It was a great way for me to take my mind off everything. Went right back to the regular yoga routine. I was even more determined and sure that if I did this yoga regularly, there might be a quick and painless death instead of a prolonged debilitating disease. No one knows what is going to happen or when, but one can always do some preventive maintenance.

There was no blog posts .. not just about yoga.. There was simply no mood to write anything for the rest of September and most of October till my dad stabilzed to a new routine. Then we had a planned trip to the grand canyon to hike the south rim and that brought me back to Facebook , blogging and a social routine.

Went back searching for the videos of my speech from that challenge but could only find these two pics.. (one done before my dad ended up in hospital) and another from the challenge party. That was my 15th successful challenge out of 17 attempts.

Then it was January again before we knew it. This time my MIL had informed me that she will visit us from Jan to March just to join me for the 60 day challenge. She wanted to do another challenge (having done it once). The two of us had signed up and I signed up San, given she joins me most days. Initially she was hesitant and did not want to do it. She did not even do the stickers to keep track (I was keeping track for her). When there were only 10 days left and she had to do just a few doubles, she got enticed by Michele to complete. The T-shirts were back! They had the right size too apparently! All three of us finished this challenge.

My goal for this challenge was to do a 1000 classes in trying 60 day challenges. Had already done 900 in the 15 good attempts and in the two failed attempts there was another 93. So by class 7, the goal was done. Still the challenge teaches us something about how to carry on when your brain goes on strike and how to overcome adversity.

We did go to the challenge party this time and got to share the experience. You can see the video highlights reel..

One more T-shirt got added to replace the worn out ones..

After three weeks of not being able to go do Yoga much because of nosebleeds, finally made it last two days. Plan to get back to going everyday. Yoga makes me happy and peaceful. It is a reflective time and a meditative time to let go of things that don’t serve me right. It is a great way to reset.

That said, every day, learn something new. Even this morning in class Michelle tells me “Sundar, nothing should happen with the standing leg. just move the hands and the other leg!”. This was while doing a balancing stick pose where I was instinctively rolling forward on my ankle to compensate for the imbalance. Not doing that made all the difference in the second set. Have to remember that in tomorrows class. As we form good habits, bad habits have a way of creeping up as well. Constant attention to detail with a watchful set of teachers helps me fix them over and over again. To all my teachers at BYSJ, especially Michele, Matt and Sarah, who by now know my every move and even pre-emptively correct me , a heartfelt and sincere thank you!

Thank god for teachers!

The best part of this challenge was doing it with my wife and MIL. Hopefully someday, the kids will do a 60 day challenge. One can always hope.. and screw Parkinson’s disease.. Hope they find a cure for this shit so in case I do end up with it, there is some relief. Even if I cannot avoid the physical eventuality, the Yoga practice will definitely help me handle anything mentally down the road. That much I am sure of!