sickness

From point to hill to peak to mountain

There is a progression of heights..

We start with a point like Hunter’s point which we can see from our street corner. Then a little taller is a hill, like Nob hill close to our house. Then it goes up to Peak. Maisie's peak is the tallest point in our local preserve at close to 1200 feet. Then there are mountains…

Black mountain which we frequent here but is called a mountain because it is close to 3000 feet but a radio tower makes it cross that limit (or so I heard).. then bay area grand slam for hikers.. Mt. Tamalpais, Diablo, Hamilton and Umunhum.. which were all done at some point..

It has been 4 months almost since there was a walk in the clouds with a view.

Given the holiday today, we had decided to try Hunter’s point or Maisies peak with the group. Everyone cheered me on as I made my way up one step at a time. On the way down I was 5 mintues behind and my buddy Prasad was Mr. Patience and gave me company. He was walking zig zag the entire time to keep his feet moving while I was stepping through it.

Have missed this for so long! Made my way to Yoga later in the afternoon and enjoyed that as well. The good news is my knee is still holding up after all the activity today.

Pinching myself !

Here are a few photos and a video highlight reel..

it is going to be slow progress but today was motivational enough to keep taking the slow and steady approach!

Next I need to see some beaches and waterfalls and all will be well!

What is "normal" ?

If you read this blog, you will know that I tore my right knee and have been recovering slowly for the last 4 months!

Intiially was just upset that I could not do every pose I am used to in Yoga class. Did try three classes in the last 40 days but every time I would push myself a little too hard and come home and go back to icing and set myself back. It was not the yoga. It was me not doing what I was told which was “listen to your body”. This happens to me even after a two week break from an India trip. I come back and see that my flexibility is not what is was two weeks ago and the first class back is a disappointment. Thought this was the same thing. It was not. The MRI showed a cartilage tear.

I weigh a 154 lbs. That means most of it is on my knees and ankles. 1/2 of it should go through my right knee at any point while standing and the entire weight when it is on one leg. When starting physiotherapy, was asked to have my feet flat against a plate and leg press 40 lbs and that made me cry.!

That surprised me given I stand and walk okay for 30-40 minute stretches without pain. Then it was explained to me that there is one weak point in my knee and if I stand walk or drive, I avoid putting pressure on that point by moving my weight to the outer part of my knee and feet. But even a small weight on the weak spot is enough to create intense pain.

Maybe all those years of ballroom dancing made me practice that weight distribtuion.. My dance teacher used to say ballroom folks have tendency to put weight on the outside of their feet while figure skaters put the weight on the inside of their feet. The dancing days are long gone but maybe it is a habit. Also have a tendency to walk with my leg like a V rather than a H and that was to be corrected slowly to help improve.

Week after week, slowly doing stationary cycling, leg pressing from 40 lbs to now 180 lbs with the leg flat, sitting on an imaginary chair with the back to the wall for 30 seconds at a stretch and doing that 30 times with breaks, clamshell exercises, walking and driving with a special knee brace etc., the leg is now slowly coming back to “normal”. Climbing stairs and driving still aggravate it, but there is no more swelling of the knee. No more stiffness that needs post care. I am also able to climb stairs and drive by using muscles all the way from my waist down to my ankle instead of sinking my weight on my knee all the time. Looks like the only time I was doing that before was in Yoga class when standing on one leg! Now I have to do that all the time.

My physio told me “for 98% of the people, what you have is more than normal”. Keep doing what I have taught you and come back end of November. The guy has grown on me. Initially I used to hate him for torturing me. He is a big man and he “puts my leg in some positions” even if I didn’t want them bent that way but he knew what he was doing. His promise to me was “you will go back to doing yoga in a few weeks once your leg is strong enough around that knee and you learn to redistribute your weight the right way consciously”. He also told me I was very flexible but not strong. He said “you have toned muscles but not enough muscle on either side of that knee”. Have been working on it for two months now. The whole of last week I walked and drove without the knee brace.

Today was a blessing with a holiday in the middle of the week. Went back to yoga after a long long break.

Talked to my teachers and told them that today was going to be the real deal.

“Start from scratch once again!” just like it says above the double doors we walk through every day at BYSJ.

Practiced yoga where I was not “taking it easy” but rather “moving gracefully with whatever I could do” just like the teacher adviced me before class. It was a fresh start with a new perspective. Came out feeling great physically and mentally.

Felt good to be back. Did all but three poses where I just stood there internalizing the dialogue for what I was supposed to do.. The right knee is still not ready to do a lateral bend. That is still a challenge while doing Tharpanam (realized that Sunday). Sit cross legged on the ground for an hour and cannot get up without help from someone. I would sit down and get up without using my hands before this tear. When I can sit down cross legged AND get back up without using my hands, that would be “normal’. Told my physio the first time I met that doing a toe stand was normal for me and showed him a photo.. and he just shook his head. “you can’t leg press 40 lbs and you want to go back to a toe stand ? and do Bruce Lee stuff!” .

Believe with all my heart that I will do a toe stand soon and maybe better that that one where my right knee is not low enough and my hands are not right. Hopefully by Jan 1st. Just have to work slowly every day and do Yoga and keep doing the squats and leg press business and bend that knee ever so slowly to the side a few millimeters a day.

The real yoga begins now!

If ever I am in a coma fighting for me life at any point, just drag my ass in that hospital bed by wheeling it into that hot room and let me listen to a teacher saying the dialogue. Thinking of doing yoga in my head is sometimes enough to revive me. At least that is what I feel.

Feel great just writing this post.

I am baaaack!!

ps. I weighed 154 when starting physio. Now I weight 163. That tyre around my waist has to disappear soon. The Deepavali savories are not helping. Think 20 grams of Badam Halwa become 40 grams of fat around my waist.

Some profound realizations

This year I have had more hospital check-ins than the last 7 years combined. Maybe age is a factor like some are pointing out. Maybe the SaniMahadasa (Saturn influence) is a factor like some others are saying. Then there is just the activities like hectic travel and hiking gravel paths down mountain slopes which are factors.

No matter what the cause or the interpretive diagnosis from X-rays, MRI’s etc. the bottom line is that I am not yet walking normally at a brisk pace, unable to climb stairs, let alone hike up hills and mountains and not easily sit cross legged on a daily basis.

The physiotherapists are helping. I am doing wood pecker and clam shell poses instead of eagles and locusts.. flight related yoga references have changed to more grounded things.. That irony is not lost on me!

Apparently I have toned muscles, but not enough of them and unless I start doing some weights and get more protein and get muscle gain (after the knee is repaired with ice, heat, ibuprofen, rest, physio for next two weeks) things will not improve. Also noted.. amazing core strength inspite of not having enough muscle. Guess that is thanks to years of yoga. Supposed to use that core strength to help build other muscles. Time will tell. I take the student part very seriously and try to make my teachers proud. Hope my physios at Kaiser will be proud of my effort.

Last week I did get a “talking”. The previous week they had asked me to do 7 sets once of a bunch of exercises. I misheard it and didn’t read the printout fully. Only used the pictures in the printouts to remember the exercise sequence and did 7 sets of 7 reps each.. was doing it every 2 hours from 7AM to 7PM. More physio doesnt mean faster recovery. Might have made it worse. Doing those once a day didn’t seem to be much of exercise, so I was surprised. Turns out things are supposed to be progressing slowly.

“Slow” - a word that doesn’t exist in my dictionary (you can read that like a Gabtun dialogue). Now I have reconciled to this word. Progress is being made. I am able to walk better now without pain for longer times and have no swelling.

The only challenge is to sit on the floor. Did Amavasai tharpanam and sent the usual photo to my mom after doing tharpanam. That is my way of telling her it was done. I did smile without wincing today. Managed to sit on the floor for an hour. Was not easy to do a namaskaram and get up but it was not bad.

Now coming to the profound realization.. We live in a very complex polarized geo political world.

Thanks to sweeping generalizations that if you stand for A in issue 1, you automatically stand for B in issue 2 etc. type logic. I see Desis, Jewish friends, Israelis, White friends, black friends, Brahmin friends, women friends, yoga buddies, everyone caught in these false logic traps. Silence is not acceptance in a digital world where everything you say is being used against you on an immediate basis. That is one realization. Folks who are very vocal are usually the least knowledgeable on what they are vocal about. That is another realization. AI Algos are definitely not being used to create truthful summaries. They are being used more to obfuscate the truth.

Then there was yet another realization. After coming back from India, have been using the Tharpanam book to do offerings to dad and all ancestors on every new moon day and other special days. Wanted to understand the procedure and meaning behind what I was doing. Our Vaadhyaar in India said “indha kaalaththula ellam onlinela irukkunnaa! onnukku rendu article cross refer panni paarungo!” Clearly he was on the side of online education in the. interest of time. So I did do that search in June.

When we finally do the offering of water with the darbai grass which features in all prominent rituals. We also offer sesame seeds with the water (for a person allergic to sesame seeds, I find that also interesting) .

We recite:

Eshaam (those) na (no) maathaa(mother) na(no) pitha(father) na(no) brathaa(brother) na(no) cha bandhavaah (and relatives)

they sarve (them all) thrupthi(fulfilment) mayaanthu(may they satisfy) mayoth(offered by me, poured out by me) srushtaihi kusodhahai (water mixed with a specific grass)

The idea is that I am not just offering it to my dad and all the dearly departed on both sides of the family, but also offering this to anyone who does not have folks who can do this offering for them. This is the equivalent of a hospital not turning back anyone because they don’t have insurance. We all take care of each other, as not everyone has someone to fall back on.

This is the ultimate realization of “all for one and one for all”, or “no one left behind”, even when offering rites to satisfy dead souls. “Vedic rituals had socialism built into it” It is one interpretation by me. This will immediately get a visceral reaction from capitalist friends who might object to their tharpanam going to dead people they still hold a grudge against and might add an exception list. Everything is possible in Kali kaalam.

There was good in this world and there will continue to be. That was the last realization. The only thing my dad kept asking me over and over again on every visit to India was “enakku kaariyam ellam oru koraiyum vekkaama pannuviyonno?” (promise me you will do all the last rites for me without taking any shortcuts). He was a stickler for details and knowing me the way he did, I was offended by him even asking me that. My mom would smile everytime I would say “Ellam pannuven BR. Don’t worry!”. Once we go, we are gone, hopefully to a much better place far far away and our destiny shouldn’t be gated by what our progeny does for us after the fact. It should be decided by what we did when we were alive. However, I do for my father what he wanted and I did promise him with all my heart.

I have no sons and don’t plan on extracting any promise from anyone to do any last rites for me. Hopefully I do enough good while alive that my afterlife is not gated by what someone else has to do on my behalf.

Then again, there are enough people doing this tharpanam for their ancestors and they got me covered, in case my belief system has gaping holes!

After all, what do I know about the afterlife?