Newceedeeophobia

You will not find that word in the dictionary. It is a rare problem found in three year olds (and is known to extend even to six year olds) who have a fixation with a particular CD that plays day in and day out when we are driving.

The symptoms are observed usually the day a new music album or movie album is purchased and inserted into the CD player.

Usual signs include a loud scream of protest, with some tears running down the face accompanied by whimpers of "I don't want this new CD. I only want _______ !"

To the untrained parent, this is a very tricky thing to deal with. Sometimes the elders might even consider this move by the kids as "abshagun" or inauspicious! A new CD is getting inserted into the disk drive for the first time and there is wailing as though someone has died in the disc player!

Scientific minded parents are equally baffled by Newceedeeophobia (or NewCDophobia as the American slang dictionary would eventually call it). "How could this kid who embraced this previous CD, not know that this one would be equally better? Did the kid not learn from the previous experiences?" The answer as explained by Dr. Narayanöhe of the BOGUS Institute is a resounding "No".

Based on intense research conducted using a three year old, who for the sake of annonymity will be referred to here as the little one, it appears as though the kid always needs a bribe to listen to anything new. Once you get the LO into the preview hearing, favorites are picked, song requests are made, and a new fixation is born. At that point, any refusal to comply to demands, on going to that song will be treated with Newceedeeophobia!

A side effect has also been observed. In the case of a CD with multiple songs which make the cut, only "one" song will be picked and it will have to be the starting song when her holiness gets into the vehicle.

Another dangerous side effect is that grown women have shown similar milder forms of this rare affliction where NPR will automatically be switched off and replaced with a music CD from the subcontinent. The new strain in the younger kids just seems to be a more radical form the old strain! One song in one CD only as opposed to any song in any CD replacing radio!

If these trends continue projects Dr. Narayanöhe, soon we will have to start with a particular word or paragraph or chime in a certain song in a certain CD when the ignition key is turned on in the automobile! Scary indeed for future generation daddys!

Currently there seems to be no cure for Newceedeeophobia and the BOGUS institute is working on one.

ps. We are now officially parked in what is called the "monkey song", if you catch my drift...

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Values and Limits

From a young age, when we were school going kids, we are taught values. Some of us can afford to forget those values. Others take those values seriously and retain them for a long time. These constant values have stood the test of time for the most part and chances are you remember them the same way your parents did when they were growing up.

Take for example the value of C, the speed of light which is 3x10^8 or N the Avogadro number which is 6.23x 10^23 or c the electron charge which is 1.6x10^-19 and many more! (What with the elections and all, you thought we were talking moral values, right? he he he )

Another important value that has newly ingratiated itself into our life now is B, the maximum limit in dollars that can be paid for a Bribe item for the kids without approval from the spouse!

The value of B is easy to remember. It is 9.99

This constant almost seems to have universal significance. (Err... in the US of A, Universal takes on a very different, localized meaning!) Almost every parent we know of that follows the two pronged approach to child rearing, seems to have converged on the same limiting value for B.

Now what is this "two pronged approach"? There is a very simple explanation.

A scientific study by Dr. Narayanöhe of the BOGUS Institute finds that at a fundamental level, there are only two control knobs available to deal with kids.

a. Bribes
b. Threats

This essentially summarizes the "two pronged approach".

There are only two variations within this approach, the study concludes:

1. Bribe first and if the bribe does not work, threaten later
2. Threaten first and use bribes as last resort

Depending on the economic situation in the household and the rebel coefficient of the kid involved, parents optimize to one of these two approaches.

Here is a Case Study. As a parent, you thought Toysrus would be a good time pass option, knowing very well that you cannot come out of the store without some spending. You have a screaming kid on the floor outside the Toysrus. Even if the kid knows that everytime you buy her something, she still goes into the default "scissor kicking and high pitched screaming" routine. Let's say she is asking for something which she will lose interest in, as soon as she gets out of the garage and goes into the house, but the value of said toy is under $9.99, you cut your losses and just buy it.

What if she wants the battery operated mini Hummer with a price tag of a few hundred dollars? Then there is the threat of her never ever getting anything from you. This is usually followed by a bribe worth, well, not more than $9.99. Case closed!

Note, there are always the borderline instance where the object at hand is worth 12.99 . The house rules clearly state that anything over the 9.99 limit needs spousal approval and a phone call is required to confirm the purchase.

Also the parents can sometimes make a sport (even a spectator sport) out of the TPA. The parent who can steer a kid from an object worth 299.99 to 19.99 then on to 9.99 and even beat that and get to 2.99 or 0.99 !!! gets bragging rights.

Tip1: (I might sound like a shampoo salesman here, but here goes) Volume, volume, volume. Kids think volume is better, at least mine do. So, if you can buy a huge ball of bubble wrap for a dollar, it is worth more than a box of Dora products with the same volume.

Tip2: Please do not share this tip with Toyrus Marketing Department or they will make Tip1 useless.

Now, what is your limit?

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Sëxy ?

The BOGUS Institute, which has already published its findings on the relation between food and starvation, is now publishing another study on the impact of the "umlaut" also known as the double dot used in some european languages.

Eighty percent of the 20 responses from women who were asked, "Do the dots add an exotic oomph to a name?" was a resounding Yes! Some statistians are arguing that 10 responses each, from two women who are repeatedly asked the same question is not equivalent to 20 individual responses. To this Dr. Naraynöhe, Professor Emeritus of Sarcastics at the Institute was quoted as saying "Statistics for sarcastic use should not nitpick on such minor details! We will fire those who diagree with 2x10 =20!".

Across the globe, letters in different languages have no dots or a single dot above them. Everyone except the Society for propagation of the Tamizh language have agreed that the "umlaut" rules, when it comes to spicing things up a bit! Their main diagreement is that in Tamizh we have a letter which is represented by three dots and this is way better than two! As positive proof of this, they pointed out that noted singer Udit Narayan became a big player after he started singing songs in the Tamizh language, that too with a rubberband tying up his tongue!

Udit, credited with successfully blending the Umlaut into the Tamizh language is also the only human being in the world who can fluently pronunce the triple dot, in the midst of a song. When asked for comment all Udit had to say was "Lendhu pulley perusa, muna pulley pelusa?" which translated from Tämïl means, "Two dots bigger, or Three?"

In another bizarre twist, the revered astrologer and numerology expert "Jyothisha Sigamani" Kalladakuruchchi Ramanatha Saastrigal, has sent a copy of his treatise "How to account for ä, ë , ï, ö, ü and ÿ in Indian Numerology" to our Institute. "How else?" he asks, can you understand the case of Mohan, a 15 year old boy in his native village who was practically invisible to the local women, who suddenly became a babe magnet after he changed his name to Möhün!

The only explanation according to the renowned numerologist, was that the umlaut adds precisely
((v-14)^5/(exp (26-v)/v^2))^(v+1) to the total, where v is the value of the alphabet on which the umlaut is placed! Considering his succesful numerology predictions for the "Artist formerly known as Prince", the rest of the numerology community has meekly agreed to Saastrigal's findings.

Women bloggers the world over have endorsed the Umlaut as the next best thing to improve the image of their men, right after posts that show that
1. their men can accept mistakes
2 they can cook
3. or they can change diapers!

Most of these husbands are now referred collectively as "OA", a short form for "Other Adult". This is much like all headaches are referred to as Migraines or all headache tablets are called aspirin, depending on which way you see it. OA, while endearing on the surface, sounds like "Oh yeA", as in "yeah yeah yeah!". The women bloggers would now like to change this abbreviation to ÖA, which not only has a European feel to it, but also the very unpronunceable nature of ÖA gives the women, visions of "ööö lä lä!". The husbands who look even better, when in agreement with the wives, have endorsed this move.

All said and done, the dots are Sëxy, concludes the Institute report!

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Food helps fight Starvation, study finds..

If "duh!" was your first response after reading the title, I am not surprised.

The study of course was done by me. Why do you need a study to find Food helps fight starvation? The people in this world need many such study's for various reasons.

1. Literary publications, TV and Radio channels need to fill up "kosuru" or filler time with 2 minute snippets that can sound scientific and simultaneouly sensationalize something or do subliminal or blatant advertising. These are studies like the ones which show Alcohol actually helps people stay young, not have cancer etc. or the ones which say doing A,B or C help increase longevity, reduce wrinkles, look slim, lose weight, get you gorgeous babes in bikinis, etc. and are promptly followed by advertisements for A, B or C in the next break.

2. Provide a body of evidence, bibliography reference, etc., for future studies along similar lines.

3. Bring the concept of science, albeit sarcastically to the non-scientific community to make a mockery of the concept of investigation, experimentation and exploration in general! That way millions of people can say "Theory of evolution,kevolution.. bah", look at all the studies which show that Jesus created the Midwest and Satan created California!

This study on food helping starvation was inspired by s.b.'s comment on a previous post which gave me this interesting link. My expression after reading the results of the study were "Duh", "DUh" and "DUH"!

Without further diversions, on with the study. Who knows, this might get quoted by BBC, MSNBC or at least my favorite abuser and sponsor of such studies, USA today! It would be nice to add some pie charts to this article like USA today does, but unfortunately all the pies have been consumed to validate the work.

Study finds Food helps fight Starvation
Sündar's Desk July 14th 2007

A recent study is showing increasing evidence that Food actually helps fight starvation. The short and long term effects of food on starvation and hunger have been stystematically reported by a team of people headed by Dr. Sündar Narayanan of the BOGUS Institute (Budding Organization of Gurus in United States).

The decade long study conducted by the BOGUS Institute, comprising Asians, Indians, Tamizhs, bloggers, etc. shows 97% of the subjects have confirmed that when starved, food actually helped. The other 3% who mentioned starvation were actually craving for some adult stuff which could not be neutered with food, but neutering itself.

Further studies are also showing that food generally fights starvation in people of all age groups. A 4 year old child subject included in the study was found to corroborate this fact with statements like "I am not hungry anymore mommy. Can I have some more M&M's?" and suggested that the study should be expanded to animals and birds. Yet another subject, a toddler, pointed to a fish tank with one hand, rubbed her tummy with the other and babbled "fishy mammu.. fishy mammu" which provided incontrovertible evidence that fishes eat mammu very fast(food in baby speak), when fed on a monday after three days of starvation during a long weekend.

"Well, this is no surprise! Mankind has been eating ever since they had a stomach!" said a prominent woman scholar, who has been quoted many times in the past by the BOGUS Institute when it comes to Kindness of Men or anything related to man in general.

It should be noted that this woman scholar is now the central focus of an ongoing study by the Institute on the "sexiness of the Umlaut". After the recent success of Hans Grohe, permeating the BOGUS Institute headquarters, in spite of being expensive, the head of the Institute, Dr. Narayanan is considering a name change from Sundar to Sündar or Sündar Narayanöhe because he strongly feels that there is a correlation between the number of umlauts on the packaging to its attractivness with the fairer sex. The results of that study are expected to be published in a few months.

It should be further noted that, studies from the BOGUS Institute aside, hunger and starvation are a real threat to mankind and are indeed fought with, you guessed it! FOOD. So, you are encouraged to find the local food banks (Second Harvest is one that me and the missus donate food or volunteer for) and donate food to help the starving millions across the globe.

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