Values and Limits

From a young age, when we were school going kids, we are taught values. Some of us can afford to forget those values. Others take those values seriously and retain them for a long time. These constant values have stood the test of time for the most part and chances are you remember them the same way your parents did when they were growing up.

Take for example the value of C, the speed of light which is 3x10^8 or N the Avogadro number which is 6.23x 10^23 or c the electron charge which is 1.6x10^-19 and many more! (What with the elections and all, you thought we were talking moral values, right? he he he )

Another important value that has newly ingratiated itself into our life now is B, the maximum limit in dollars that can be paid for a Bribe item for the kids without approval from the spouse!

The value of B is easy to remember. It is 9.99

This constant almost seems to have universal significance. (Err... in the US of A, Universal takes on a very different, localized meaning!) Almost every parent we know of that follows the two pronged approach to child rearing, seems to have converged on the same limiting value for B.

Now what is this "two pronged approach"? There is a very simple explanation.

A scientific study by Dr. Narayanöhe of the BOGUS Institute finds that at a fundamental level, there are only two control knobs available to deal with kids.

a. Bribes
b. Threats

This essentially summarizes the "two pronged approach".

There are only two variations within this approach, the study concludes:

1. Bribe first and if the bribe does not work, threaten later
2. Threaten first and use bribes as last resort

Depending on the economic situation in the household and the rebel coefficient of the kid involved, parents optimize to one of these two approaches.

Here is a Case Study. As a parent, you thought Toysrus would be a good time pass option, knowing very well that you cannot come out of the store without some spending. You have a screaming kid on the floor outside the Toysrus. Even if the kid knows that everytime you buy her something, she still goes into the default "scissor kicking and high pitched screaming" routine. Let's say she is asking for something which she will lose interest in, as soon as she gets out of the garage and goes into the house, but the value of said toy is under $9.99, you cut your losses and just buy it.

What if she wants the battery operated mini Hummer with a price tag of a few hundred dollars? Then there is the threat of her never ever getting anything from you. This is usually followed by a bribe worth, well, not more than $9.99. Case closed!

Note, there are always the borderline instance where the object at hand is worth 12.99 . The house rules clearly state that anything over the 9.99 limit needs spousal approval and a phone call is required to confirm the purchase.

Also the parents can sometimes make a sport (even a spectator sport) out of the TPA. The parent who can steer a kid from an object worth 299.99 to 19.99 then on to 9.99 and even beat that and get to 2.99 or 0.99 !!! gets bragging rights.

Tip1: (I might sound like a shampoo salesman here, but here goes) Volume, volume, volume. Kids think volume is better, at least mine do. So, if you can buy a huge ball of bubble wrap for a dollar, it is worth more than a box of Dora products with the same volume.

Tip2: Please do not share this tip with Toyrus Marketing Department or they will make Tip1 useless.

Now, what is your limit?

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The under age kid

History has a tendency to repeat itself, over and over and over again. I guess that is one reason why it is still taught to people, so they would learn from the past and move towards a better future.

This is also counteracted by the ability of human beings to forget things quickly and get on with life.. the same life that people got on with a few decades ago and by extrapolation a few centuries ago..

It is true that todays Cyclotrons are a lot more complicated that the proverbial "wheel" invented a long time ago, but have we really come that far in learning from history?

People still kill each other, go take things forcefully from others if they lack a certain resource (it used to be gum arabic, silk, spices, gold, diamonds, now it is oil!) and continue to ignore the past.

All that, was the cynic in me talking. This post is more about something happening in our life right now. Jr. who is a November child, just like her daddy, is having attention issues in school. She is an extremely smart and intelligent kid and is easily distracted, just like her daddy and she does tend to walk into the occasional wall, just like her grandma!

We had a meeting with her teacher who gave us a detailed report card for the Kindergardener and said "she has trouble following my instruction. She keeps looking at what the other kids are doing and cannot focus". She went on to explain how she is the youngest in her class and how it is going to pose problems for her because some of her classmates are 14 months older.

San promptly cut in and said "hubby here was in 2nd grade at Jr.'s age". Being the sincere daddy, I went on to explain to the teacher that I had the same problems. I never went to kindergarten and was directly thrown into first grade at age 4 and finished school at 16 and college at 20 and was in gradschool before I could legally drink in the US. I also told her that my social life wasnt exactly stellar because "having no moustache when graduating high school" was an issue, but I never had any problems with academics.

At this point, the teacher must have seen very clearly why Jr. is distracted (talking to her daddy for 5 minutes would explain that) and asked me "so do you have any suggestions to improve Jr.'s focus?".

Daddy said "Eureka! I know exactly what they did when I was in first and second grade". They moved me to the first row so all I saw was the teacher and the blackboard. Nothing to distract me.

The teacher said, well.. in the US, we used to do that only to kids who were troublemakers. In any case we do not have rows in the classroom till 3rd or 4th grade. We have them sit around circular desks in groups of 4 or 5 so they can learn the value of teamwork!

Where do you sit then, and where is the blackboard ? I asked.

Apparently there is no thing like a blackboard and the teacher moves around the classroom as she gives instructions to kids.

Hmm.. let's see here. You are trying to focus on a certain voice trying to give you an instruction and you have to execute on it. This might also involve looking at a piece of paper or an object that is in the teachers hand and you have to do something on your desk based on that. What would be easier. A fixed location for the teacher directly in front of the student or a moving teacher who could sometimes be talking from your right, left, or even behind you..

Bah!!!! I said and walked out.

Really love the teachers, their enthusiasm and their passion.. but I know myself and based on history and some genetic extrapolation, my kid, and there are no surprises on why she cannot focus. First we need to learn focus on stationary targets before we can focus on the moving targets!

Bah!!! Bah!!! Bah!!!

Now I am going to train Jr. Jason Bourne style on how to follow instructions from a moving daddy..

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Sëxy ?

The BOGUS Institute, which has already published its findings on the relation between food and starvation, is now publishing another study on the impact of the "umlaut" also known as the double dot used in some european languages.

Eighty percent of the 20 responses from women who were asked, "Do the dots add an exotic oomph to a name?" was a resounding Yes! Some statistians are arguing that 10 responses each, from two women who are repeatedly asked the same question is not equivalent to 20 individual responses. To this Dr. Naraynöhe, Professor Emeritus of Sarcastics at the Institute was quoted as saying "Statistics for sarcastic use should not nitpick on such minor details! We will fire those who diagree with 2x10 =20!".

Across the globe, letters in different languages have no dots or a single dot above them. Everyone except the Society for propagation of the Tamizh language have agreed that the "umlaut" rules, when it comes to spicing things up a bit! Their main diagreement is that in Tamizh we have a letter which is represented by three dots and this is way better than two! As positive proof of this, they pointed out that noted singer Udit Narayan became a big player after he started singing songs in the Tamizh language, that too with a rubberband tying up his tongue!

Udit, credited with successfully blending the Umlaut into the Tamizh language is also the only human being in the world who can fluently pronunce the triple dot, in the midst of a song. When asked for comment all Udit had to say was "Lendhu pulley perusa, muna pulley pelusa?" which translated from Tämïl means, "Two dots bigger, or Three?"

In another bizarre twist, the revered astrologer and numerology expert "Jyothisha Sigamani" Kalladakuruchchi Ramanatha Saastrigal, has sent a copy of his treatise "How to account for ä, ë , ï, ö, ü and ÿ in Indian Numerology" to our Institute. "How else?" he asks, can you understand the case of Mohan, a 15 year old boy in his native village who was practically invisible to the local women, who suddenly became a babe magnet after he changed his name to Möhün!

The only explanation according to the renowned numerologist, was that the umlaut adds precisely
((v-14)^5/(exp (26-v)/v^2))^(v+1) to the total, where v is the value of the alphabet on which the umlaut is placed! Considering his succesful numerology predictions for the "Artist formerly known as Prince", the rest of the numerology community has meekly agreed to Saastrigal's findings.

Women bloggers the world over have endorsed the Umlaut as the next best thing to improve the image of their men, right after posts that show that
1. their men can accept mistakes
2 they can cook
3. or they can change diapers!

Most of these husbands are now referred collectively as "OA", a short form for "Other Adult". This is much like all headaches are referred to as Migraines or all headache tablets are called aspirin, depending on which way you see it. OA, while endearing on the surface, sounds like "Oh yeA", as in "yeah yeah yeah!". The women bloggers would now like to change this abbreviation to ÖA, which not only has a European feel to it, but also the very unpronunceable nature of ÖA gives the women, visions of "ööö lä lä!". The husbands who look even better, when in agreement with the wives, have endorsed this move.

All said and done, the dots are Sëxy, concludes the Institute report!

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